50/50

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Halfway there with my gorgeous chemo buddy, Sarah Grecco.

Today was my fourth treatment.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. It was the last of the AC treatment, which is the one that causes nausea, The last 4 sessions are taxol, which has a different set of side effects, none of which is nausea. More of the joint aches and muscle pains variety, which is something, like I’ve mentioned before, I can totally handle.

I haven’t really gotten much nausea at all to begin with; I was thinking it had to do with the amazing drugs they preemptively give me, but who knows. Sometimes I feel like the other people who are getting chemo at the same time as me don’t quite look like me. They look, well, sick. I don’t look sick (outside of the hair, which has already started growing back, but just in the back so I’d look like a halo head if I let it go. Or St. Francis of Assisi. And we saw how that went down.) And when I do the lipstick trick (bright lipstick makes people think you’ve put on makeup/made an effort, or at least that’s my self-justification), I’ve even heard I’m glowing. But I think oncology nurses are just genetically nicer than rest of us, and I bring them sweet stuff, so I take everything they tell me with a grain of salt.

I don’t feel sick either. It’s almost like I forget about it sometimes, until I get a sweet note from an old friend, or a care package from Disney (Allison, you are amazing!) and then I’m like oh that’s right. Or when I get medical bills, of course. That part has been a bit shitty, to be frank. I’ve got great health insurance but it’s still challenging. I had to tell one of my dearest friends that I can’t go to her wedding this fall because of them. I’m so bummed, but I’ve got responsibilities. It’s one of the suckier sides of cancer. I’m actually considering trying to do a Kickstarter or something to raise funds for people that don’t have insurance. Or for under-researched cancers. I can’t imagine going through this without some sort of financial support. It must be a nightmare.

I’m optimistic that this weekend I’ll continue feeling good. I have an offsite training tomorrow through Friday for work, and one of my favorite ladies that I traveled to Malawi with will be there. It’s a lot of long days but it’s one of of my favorite trainings each year. It’s always so reinvigorating and my annual reminder of why I love my job so much. Although, honestly, I am reminded pretty regularly about that. And serendipitously, also in town this weekend is a family friend that lives in Malawi that I met when I was there. I made plans to have dinner with him on Saturday so I’ve pretty much told myself I’ll be just fine.

50/50. I’m halfway there. And it’s all downhill from here. Or so I’m telling myself. And really, who else should I listen to? Uh, no one.

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