Nerves

I’m exactly one week out from my first chemo session and I find my nerves are starting to get the better of me. I have been battling a headache and slight fever for three or four days now and I’ve realized that the one thing that optimism can’t save me from. Myself.

I am the definition of a wimp. Pain I can tolerate, sometimes, with a 24 hour nurse (aka my family) and an endless supply of cantaloupe, but being sick is a WHOLE different ballgame. I am a bad sick person. Always have been. And the closer next Tuesday creeps, the more my optimism shrinks.

Will I make it through? Of course. But the fact that I am most likely part of the majority of people that get sick and feel like hell during chemo scares the shit out of me. If 4 days of mild headaches can take me out, how in the world am I going to make it through four months of chemo?

Maybe I’m jumping the gun. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Either way, I’ll come out the other side. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

I remember telling myself that before a mock dance in like the 8th grade that my dad, of all people, had to set me up on a date with (his secretary’s son). I went to an all girls’ school (every single dance was mock, ugh!) and had zero skills at scoring a male counterpart on my own.

There are two ways to come out of an all girls’ school: as a “master fashionista flirt” (my sister) or a “I don’t know how to speak to boys or dress myself without a uniform.” (Me). Even today, I’ve only had three real boyfriends (I married one of them!), think of drying my hair as something reserved for black tie galas and have my mother buy my clothes (I am actually able to pay her to do this now). I had probably spoken three words in the past to this guy and as a new teen with a prolonged puberty (I swear I didn’t exit the awkward stage until I was 17) I was just uncomfortable around boys to begin with. Anyway, I must have told myself that 100 times before the dance. This too shall pass. Long story short, it’s been like 23 years or so and I can look back and laugh. It was pretty ridiculous.

Will I be able to look back at chemo and laugh? Maybe not. But it too shall pass. And I have a major crush on the guy who will be my date through the whole thing which helps. I’m pretty sure he likes me too. 🙂

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